Many years ago one of my Ballet teachers offered these valuable words of wisdom: “corrections are like gifts”. I didn’t like her. I think that was largely because she hated children and our encounters frequently ended with tears streaming down my face. But the fact is I basically don’t like anyone who gives me criticism. Face it, they’re assholes!
Over the years I have developed a few good tactics for deflecting criticism that I wanted to offer just in case anyone else out there shares my aversion to self-improvement.
1. The simple but effective “you’re wrong” defense. If somebody constructively criticizes you, offer them ten million reasons why they are dead wrong. Relentlessly justify your own reasoning and expect everyone else to adapt to it. Never listen to someone else’s opinion and say “hmm, I hadn’t thought of that, what a great suggestion. Thanks!” Why would you? If it’s such a great idea then obviously you would have thought of it yourself.
2. The old classic “that’s because you didn’t explain it right” defense. Probably the best way to dodge responsibility for your imperfections is by projecting them onto other people and making it all their fault. You might consider saying something like “I wouldn’t have failed this exam if Mr. McJerkface wasn’t such a horrible teacher”, or perhaps “I wouldn’t have been fired and arrested for hacking into your system and embezzling millions of dollars if you weren’t such a dickhead boss and your firewall security wasn’t so pathetic”. The bottom line is that what you did wrong is everyone else’s fault but yours. A variation on this method is to ignore their critique completely and launch straight into insulting them.
3. The popular and ever relevant “blame it on the rain” defense. Gladly spill out a thousand justifications for why you’re not perfect... at this particular moment. “I didn’t get enough sleep last night; it’s too cold; people are stupid; the television pretty much held a gun to my head and forced me to watch Fresh Prince reruns for 13 consecutive hours...” The point is, under any other circumstances except these ones you would have done it totally awesome. In fact nobody could possibly have done this thing better than you would have if not for that lousy no good (enter selected excuse here).
4. The sometimes controversial “I was doing that to be ironic you just don’t get me” defense. You don’t like my joke? Well that’s because I’m intellectually superior to you so deal with it. My skirt is stuck in my pantyhose and there’s toilet paper trailing from my shoe? That’s how I meant to wear it. So sorry I didn’t rip off my new look from the cover of Vogue like the rest of you posers.
5. In the unlikely event that none of these are available means of deflection just cry.
People always claim they mean well and are only trying to be helpful when they inform me I have lipstick on my teeth, or that my million dollar idea to stop global warming by cooling the earth’s temperature via volcanic ash clouds might not lead to the Nobel Prize I consider myself to be destined for. And deep down there’s a part of me that genuinely appreciates their input. Really there is! But mostly my heart just becomes filled with hate as I gleefully imagine them choking on food.
Now, for all of you sceptics who think that making excuses instead of accepting feedback is counterproductive, let me just alleviate your fears by listing a few of my (almost) accomplishments:
1. Olympic gold medal in the Steeple Chase (My running shoes didn’t fit right so I couldn’t really practice)
2. Nobel Prize (It wasn’t a terrible idea, the Nobel committee was just too narrow-minded to think outside the box)
3. The female lead on Glee (Ryan Murphy and the Casting Director just weren’t at Karaoke night that time I totally rocked Journey)
4. An Oscar (Hollywood is too establishment)
5. President of the United States (I’m Canadian and I don’t have a Kenyan birth certificate)
So go forth and underachieve. Don’t let anybody tell you they’re doing you a favour or giving you a “gift” by compromising your delusions of self-perfection. Gifts include clothing, electronics, candy, jewellery, flowers and/or puppies. Gifts don’t make you poke pins into voodoo dolls resembling the giver or throw darts at photos of their face. And while all those n00bs who actually achieve stuff are busy showing off their awards and accolades and running the country, take pleasure in the fact they’ll never get to say “I could have done that... if I really wanted to.” And isn’t reflecting on what you could have accomplished really what life is all about?
No comments:
Post a Comment