Sunday, November 2, 2014

Mom vs. Technology

Mom: "It's like a picture and you push a button and it moves"
Me: "A video?"
Mom: "Yes."

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Please Make it Harder for Me to Be a Douchebag Because I Am Incapable of Not Being a Douchebag On My Own

Today at school a Public Relations teacher came into our class to tell us about how we need to organize our social media lives.  The point he was trying to make was that we should be careful about the things we post online because it is easier than we realize for people we don't know to access our information in the digital age, and employers are watching us like we live in a George Orwell novel. Part of being employable is not saying stupid shit on the interweb.  It's already too late for me, so whatever.

The message itself was like a scared straight lecture, and to some extent, it made a lot of sense. Be careful to convey the person you wish to convey because your life is now an open book. I get it. However, where his talk fell short was the point at which he said that, in order to prove his point, he likes to find the facebook profile of an "attractive female student" and essentially publicly shame her by showcasing it to the class as an example of the kind of human we all need to strive not to be.  In other words: "I like to go around creeping the facebook profiles of my attractive young female students.  So girls, please limit your freedom of expression for my sake so I can continue to be a total creep and blame it all on you because I warned you that I'm a total creep."

So, to all you "anti-feminists" out there who think it's completely fine for EDUCATORS to deliberately single out female students and ridicule them in front of their peers, thanks for your public service... Assholes!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Dr. Heisenseuss: Breaking Bad Eggs and Ham

I cook crystal meth, do you?
I cook it best when it is blue
I cook it in a boiling flask
I cook in a high school gas mask
I cook it in my underwear
I cook it so there’s money spare
I cook it in a campervan
I cook it for a stone faced man

I like to kill with ricin bean
I like to steal methylamine
I like to steal it from a train
I like expanding my domain
I like to be the very best
I like to rule the whole southwest
I like to keep from getting caught
I like chemistry a lot

I will blow off half your face
I’ll vanish you without a trace
I’ll melt you into sludgy goo
I’ll throw your pizza on the roof
I will be a total dick
Even though I’m super sick
I will melt through any locks
I will be the one who knocks