Last weekend I wrote a top ten list of things I love about my beagle for her birthday. I suppose it is only fair if I do the same for the woman who carried me for nine months, gave birth to me, and then put up with 30 years of my shit. So here it is, a birthday tribute to one of my greatest heroes my mom.
Top Ten Things that are Awesome About My Mom
10. She’s addicted to animal rescue websites and wants every single thing that resembles a dog. I can’t look at those sites because they make me cry, but she stalks them like they’re going out of style. Luckily that’s how we found my precious angel, so I guess it was a good call. Nevertheless, Mom, you have an epileptic manic depressive beagle that’s missing a kidney and a three-legged dog who hates Hillary Clinton, step away from the computer.
9. She gets shit done. If she’s bored or stressed out, watch out world. Queen of the DIY, between my brother and I she’s dealt with enough crap to redo the entire house and build a shed in the backyard and build the deck. She also got bored one year while Dad & I were in Scotland and decided to build me a kilt. Take that Bob Villa!
8. Occasionally she worries too much. Just last week she wanted me to post updates every time I brushed my teeth to confirm I hadn’t been poisoned by one of Australia’s freak-show animals. I’m not kidding. If you’re her friend check her wall. On it you will find a bunch of messages from me telling her I brushed my teeth. I can assure you that wasn’t my idea!
7. She’s totally on the hot tamale train. Every year she has a tradition of putting on her wedding dress for her anniversary, and it still fits. Too bad our first jerk beagle buried cheese in it and now there’s an orange cheese stain on it. Whatevs, nobody rocks cheddar like she does!
6. She is obsessed with bears to a hilarious degree. The second she leaves the house she is on guard just in case today is the day the grizzlies decide to take on suburban Ottawa. Don’t do it grizzlies, she’s ready for you!
5. She makes me feel knowledgeable about techmology. Buttons make my head hurt.
4. She makes problems go away. Not like the way the mafia makes problems go away, but the nice way that involves walks in the park, ice cream and bitching about idiot boys loved and lost.
3. She has really pointy feet. Maybe even the pointiest ever. Those genetics were a huge asset to me as a dancer with a career that spanned two decades because my fouettees looked elegant and dainty. If I wound up with frog feet my dancing would have looked like puke. Puke dancers don’t win championships or get Cowal medals or dance on the stage of the National Arts Centre. In fact, you might say many of the greatest moments of my life have been directly linked to my feet genetics.
2. She can write some seriously awesome angry notes when provoked. If you are an asshat to her or one of her offspring prepare to read about it. She is like the Mama bird protecting the nest with a razor sharp pen. This is another thing I inherited. There are a few people I’m sure could attest to that.
1. She offers infinite support for Scoct and I whether we deserve it or not. There is nothing she wants more than for us to be happy, and she has rescued our sorry asses more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. Without her I would most definitely have ended up in a gutter somewhere, so I’m really glad I ended up in Australia instead. Australian gutters are much warmer in January.
Happy Birthday I love you M! <3