Millions of years ago (give or take), a small round revolutionary creation emerged from the depths of human imagination. It was an idea that enhanced efficiency and capability, and is arguably the second greatest invention of all time after facebook. That invention is, of course, the wheel, and I am deathly afraid of it.
You know that old urban legend about the girl who never learned how to ride a bike even though she was over the age of seven? Well, myth busted because that girl is me. I also tried driving but hated it because I was constantly paranoid that I would crash and die or be the accidental perpetrator of somebody else's death. In the words of Tweak: "TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!"
I pretty much view every single thing with wheels as a death machine, be it a train, or a car, or those stupid little wheel things kids put on their sneakers. I am convinced they will somehow roll to their bloody death, possibly by rolling into oncoming traffic where they will be slaughtered by something bigger with wheels, or maybe they will roll down the stairs and shatter their skulls. Or, alternatively, they will just bump into me and I will have to kill them out of sheer annoyance. Regardless, my eternal pessimism refuses to see these sneaker wheels as a fun toy, but instead as the driving force behind the apocalypse.
I. HATE. WHEELS.
This is how I felt even before I travelled to India. And now, after riding on the back of motorbikes clinging for dear life as cars, bikes, rickshaws and a variety of barnyard animals come at me from every direction without any logic or order, I am absolutely certain that wheels were created by a sadistic fuck who preyed on chaos and human misery.
A Portrait of India
What appears to a Canadian as a two lane road, in India is actually more like a 20-25 lane road. There is no such thing as the "three second rule", or "safe distance". The way it works is if there is even a tiny amount of space on the road you are required to fill it somehow, even if it doesn't make any sense to. If the oncoming car is at least 3 meters away, the general passing rule is "I can make it!"
NO!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE IT!!!!!! YOU WILL GET STUCK OR CRASH FOR SURE AND IT WILL MAKE AN EVEN BIGGER MESS AND P.S. YOU MIGHT GET DEAD!!!
In India the horn is a solution to everything, which is hilarious because there are signs everywhere saying "Do not honk your horn". Maybe honking is supposed to serve as some kind of crash prevention method, but my theory is that it's actually to drown out the blood-curdling screams of tourists yelling "HOLY SHIT TELL MY MOTHER I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!"
As a pedestrian you have to be aggressive if you want to get anywhere. This sucks for me because when I look and see a zillion cars and a bunch of cows coming at me I become paralyzed with fear and my brain rejects all crossing "opportunities", even if they do actually exist kind of. Example: I spent 20 minutes trying to cross the street to get to the Red Fort in Delhi. Then I gave up, went crazy, and decided I hate India. So I took a break at McDonalds with a bunch of Chicken McNuggets and then decided to try again because I really wanted to take pretty pictures. I ended up making it, but my pictures turned out bad and I am still angry about the whole thing.
In a couple of weeks I will be out of Asia and back on the orderly roads of my home and native land. I have loved many things and will miss many things about India, but the traffic is not among them. I look forward to Canada, where there will be traffic lights and driving laws and it will be glorious. In fact, I may end up getting all cocky and strut confidently into oncoming traffic Marla Singer style dramatically yelling "Who are you anyway? Cornelius? Rupert?..." JUST BECAUSE I CAN! (And also because I'm a sucker for misguided violent movie references)
Moral of the story: Dear Canada, I love you for your traffic infrastructure. I promise to never take you for granted, or cheat on you by loving another traffic infrastructure more. You are the only traffic infrastructure for me. I kind of wish you'd lose the snow and the hockey and the conservative government, but hey, can't have it all right? Anyway, I wrote you this song which I would proudly hold my hand over my heart and sing any day:
Oh Canada, your road signs are so clear
And 'cuz of that I walk with much less fear
When the light is red people stop their cars
So that they don't hit me
Stuff like that is cool for pedestrians
Who want not squished to be
God keep our lanes
Marked, well-lit and free
Oh Canada your passing laws are sweet
Oh Canada your pavement's so sexy
(I think that was probably some sort of treason or something)
You know that old urban legend about the girl who never learned how to ride a bike even though she was over the age of seven? Well, myth busted because that girl is me. I also tried driving but hated it because I was constantly paranoid that I would crash and die or be the accidental perpetrator of somebody else's death. In the words of Tweak: "TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!"
I pretty much view every single thing with wheels as a death machine, be it a train, or a car, or those stupid little wheel things kids put on their sneakers. I am convinced they will somehow roll to their bloody death, possibly by rolling into oncoming traffic where they will be slaughtered by something bigger with wheels, or maybe they will roll down the stairs and shatter their skulls. Or, alternatively, they will just bump into me and I will have to kill them out of sheer annoyance. Regardless, my eternal pessimism refuses to see these sneaker wheels as a fun toy, but instead as the driving force behind the apocalypse.
I. HATE. WHEELS.
This is how I felt even before I travelled to India. And now, after riding on the back of motorbikes clinging for dear life as cars, bikes, rickshaws and a variety of barnyard animals come at me from every direction without any logic or order, I am absolutely certain that wheels were created by a sadistic fuck who preyed on chaos and human misery.
A Portrait of India
What appears to a Canadian as a two lane road, in India is actually more like a 20-25 lane road. There is no such thing as the "three second rule", or "safe distance". The way it works is if there is even a tiny amount of space on the road you are required to fill it somehow, even if it doesn't make any sense to. If the oncoming car is at least 3 meters away, the general passing rule is "I can make it!"
NO!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE IT!!!!!! YOU WILL GET STUCK OR CRASH FOR SURE AND IT WILL MAKE AN EVEN BIGGER MESS AND P.S. YOU MIGHT GET DEAD!!!
In India the horn is a solution to everything, which is hilarious because there are signs everywhere saying "Do not honk your horn". Maybe honking is supposed to serve as some kind of crash prevention method, but my theory is that it's actually to drown out the blood-curdling screams of tourists yelling "HOLY SHIT TELL MY MOTHER I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!"
As a pedestrian you have to be aggressive if you want to get anywhere. This sucks for me because when I look and see a zillion cars and a bunch of cows coming at me I become paralyzed with fear and my brain rejects all crossing "opportunities", even if they do actually exist kind of. Example: I spent 20 minutes trying to cross the street to get to the Red Fort in Delhi. Then I gave up, went crazy, and decided I hate India. So I took a break at McDonalds with a bunch of Chicken McNuggets and then decided to try again because I really wanted to take pretty pictures. I ended up making it, but my pictures turned out bad and I am still angry about the whole thing.
 |
| Yup, I risked my life for this photo! |
In a couple of weeks I will be out of Asia and back on the orderly roads of my home and native land. I have loved many things and will miss many things about India, but the traffic is not among them. I look forward to Canada, where there will be traffic lights and driving laws and it will be glorious. In fact, I may end up getting all cocky and strut confidently into oncoming traffic Marla Singer style dramatically yelling "Who are you anyway? Cornelius? Rupert?..." JUST BECAUSE I CAN! (And also because I'm a sucker for misguided violent movie references)
Moral of the story: Dear Canada, I love you for your traffic infrastructure. I promise to never take you for granted, or cheat on you by loving another traffic infrastructure more. You are the only traffic infrastructure for me. I kind of wish you'd lose the snow and the hockey and the conservative government, but hey, can't have it all right? Anyway, I wrote you this song which I would proudly hold my hand over my heart and sing any day:
Oh Canada, your road signs are so clear
And 'cuz of that I walk with much less fear
When the light is red people stop their cars
So that they don't hit me
Stuff like that is cool for pedestrians
Who want not squished to be
God keep our lanes
Marked, well-lit and free
Oh Canada your passing laws are sweet
Oh Canada your pavement's so sexy
(I think that was probably some sort of treason or something)
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