When I was little I figured out there was a witch in the bathroom. Not my bathroom specifically, all bathrooms. Every single bathroom in the entire universe contained a witch, and that was the scariest thing ever.
The witch would mostly be asleep all the time, and it wouldn't wake up as long as you were just doing your business. But once you flushed the toilet it was game over. The witch would hunt you down and kill you and then perform evil rituals on your mutilated body. This was a fact.
But when you gotta go you gotta go, witches be damned. And refusing to flush the toilet is just gross. So my only option was to run as fast as I could out of the bathroom the instant I flushed. Bathroom witches can never leave the bathroom, so once you were out that door you were home free and the witch could suck it. (I understand this presented some sanitary issues, what with not washing my hands and all, but I was like four and there was a fucking witch after me so what are you gonna do?)
Four year olds think all kinds of crazy shit, but here's the confession: I still kind of do this. Don't get me wrong, I don't go racing out of the bathroom with pee all over my hands or anything, but that's because I learned to take preventive action. To this day every time I see a closed shower curtain I will check behind it to confirm a witch-free pee. If you are one of those people with a cute clever shower curtain and you want to show it off to all your house guests, as far as I'm concerned you are an accessory.
At this point it is basically just force of habit. I don't actually think there are witches in your shower. However, what happens if the one time I don't do my witch-proofing there actually is a witch? I end up with a giant pentagram carved into my chest and Alanis Morissette writes me into a song about irony. Fuck that!
Moral of the story: There is such a thing as being overly cautious. It's probably not necessary that I look for witches in bathtubs, or show up at job interviews three hours early, or spend the night in an airport for a flight that leaves at 10am. But if I don't do these things I will go crazy. If I have to choose between being inconvenienced and being crazy then inconvenience wins. We all have our weird things that bring us comfort and security, and if checking for witches in the shower until the day you die is what it takes to fend off the inner psycho, then I say go for it. Plus it works, I've never once had a witch encounter in the crapper.
The witch would mostly be asleep all the time, and it wouldn't wake up as long as you were just doing your business. But once you flushed the toilet it was game over. The witch would hunt you down and kill you and then perform evil rituals on your mutilated body. This was a fact.
But when you gotta go you gotta go, witches be damned. And refusing to flush the toilet is just gross. So my only option was to run as fast as I could out of the bathroom the instant I flushed. Bathroom witches can never leave the bathroom, so once you were out that door you were home free and the witch could suck it. (I understand this presented some sanitary issues, what with not washing my hands and all, but I was like four and there was a fucking witch after me so what are you gonna do?)
Four year olds think all kinds of crazy shit, but here's the confession: I still kind of do this. Don't get me wrong, I don't go racing out of the bathroom with pee all over my hands or anything, but that's because I learned to take preventive action. To this day every time I see a closed shower curtain I will check behind it to confirm a witch-free pee. If you are one of those people with a cute clever shower curtain and you want to show it off to all your house guests, as far as I'm concerned you are an accessory.
At this point it is basically just force of habit. I don't actually think there are witches in your shower. However, what happens if the one time I don't do my witch-proofing there actually is a witch? I end up with a giant pentagram carved into my chest and Alanis Morissette writes me into a song about irony. Fuck that!
Moral of the story: There is such a thing as being overly cautious. It's probably not necessary that I look for witches in bathtubs, or show up at job interviews three hours early, or spend the night in an airport for a flight that leaves at 10am. But if I don't do these things I will go crazy. If I have to choose between being inconvenienced and being crazy then inconvenience wins. We all have our weird things that bring us comfort and security, and if checking for witches in the shower until the day you die is what it takes to fend off the inner psycho, then I say go for it. Plus it works, I've never once had a witch encounter in the crapper.
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| Super scary witch <3 |
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