Mom

Last weekend I wrote a top ten list of things I love about my beagle for her birthday.  I suppose it is only fair if I do the same for the woman who carried me for nine months, gave birth to me, and then put up with 30 years of my shit.  So here it is, a birthday tribute to one of my greatest heroes my mom.

Top Ten Things that are Awesome About My Mom

10. She’s addicted to animal rescue websites and wants every single thing that resembles a dog.  I can’t look at those sites because they make me cry, but she stalks them like they’re going out of style.  Luckily that’s how we found my precious angel, so I guess it was a good call.  Nevertheless, Mom, you have an epileptic manic depressive beagle that’s missing a kidney and a three-legged dog who hates Hillary Clinton, step away from the computer.

9. She gets shit done.  If she’s bored or stressed out, watch out world.  Queen of the DIY, between my brother and I she’s dealt with enough crap to redo the entire house and build a shed in the backyard and build the deck.  She also got bored one year while Dad & I were in Scotland and decided to build me a kilt.  Take that Bob Villa! 

8. Occasionally she worries too much.  Just last week she wanted me to post updates every time I brushed my teeth to confirm I hadn’t been poisoned by one of Australia’s freak-show animals.  I’m not kidding.  If you’re her friend check her wall. On it you will find a bunch of messages from me telling her I brushed my teeth.  I can assure you that wasn’t my idea!

7. She’s totally on the hot tamale train.  Every year she has a tradition of putting on her wedding dress for her anniversary, and it still fits.  Too bad our first jerk beagle buried cheese in it and now there’s an orange cheese stain on it.  Whatevs, nobody rocks cheddar like she does!

6. She is obsessed with bears to a hilarious degree.  The second she leaves the house she is on guard just in case today is the day the grizzlies decide to take on suburban Ottawa.  Don’t do it grizzlies, she’s ready for you!

5. She makes me feel knowledgeable about techmology.  Buttons make my head hurt.

4. She makes problems go away.  Not like the way the mafia makes problems go away, but the nice way that involves walks in the park, ice cream and bitching about idiot boys loved and lost.

3.  She has really pointy feet.  Maybe even the pointiest ever.  Those genetics were a huge asset to me as a dancer with a career that spanned two decades because my fouettees looked elegant and dainty.  If I wound up with frog feet my dancing would have looked like puke.  Puke dancers don’t win championships or get Cowal medals or dance on the stage of the National Arts Centre.  In fact, you might say many of the greatest moments of my life have been directly linked to my feet genetics. 

2. She can write some seriously awesome angry notes when provoked.  If you are an asshat to her or one of her offspring prepare to read about it.  She is like the Mama bird protecting the nest with a razor sharp pen.  This is another thing I inherited.  There are a few people I’m sure could attest to that.

1. She offers infinite support for Scoct and I whether we deserve it or not.  There is nothing she wants more than for us to be happy, and she has rescued our sorry asses more times than I can count on my fingers and toes.  Without her I would most definitely have ended up in a gutter somewhere, so I’m really glad I ended up in Australia instead.  Australian gutters are much warmer in January.

Happy Birthday I love you M! <3

Recap of Geography Conversation I Just Had With Drunk Guy Outside

Drunk Guy: "Where are you from?"
Me: "I'm Canadian."
Drunk Guy: "Where's that?"
Me: "Canada."
Drunk Guy: "Oh, so you're a Yank."
Me: "No, I'm from Canada."
Drunk Guy: "Aren't they the same?"
Me: "Canada and the United States? No, they're two different countries."
Drunk Guy: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yes."
Drunk Guy: "Oh yeah, Canada's in the Commonwealth."
Me: "Right."
Drunk Guy: "I hate yanks."
Me: "A second ago you thought I was a yank."
Drunk Guy: "Oh yeah!"

Tribute to a Troublemaker

I have the best dog ever.  I know everyone says that about their own dog, but in my case it’s true.  Her name is Bailey, but I usually call her HB (short for Hellbeagle, a term of endearment given to her by my friend Eric when she refused to stop barking at him.)  Today the little princess turns ten, and I’m on the other side of the world from her and don’t get to see her L  So I decided to write her a tribute and hopefully she reads it.

Top ten things that make my dog better than all the other dogs:

10.  She is more booksmart than street smart.  For example, she is afraid of her own shadow, barks at the front door when a doorbell rings on television, and if you throw food to her expecting her to catch it she will just sit around looking dopey as it hits her right in the face.  Also she falls in the pool kind of a lot.

However, I would put money on her being the world’s most knowledgeable beagle on African Politics.  She has been my loyal study buddy for many years, and she’s the best study partner because she turns study time into snuggle time so I can happily spend hours upon hours frantically cramming information into my head because having her lying on my lap means there is absolutely nothing I’d rather be doing.  She’s also pretty well versed in Canadian Law because whenever she steals my socks or acts horrible I yell sections of the Constitution pertaining to property rights at her.  She knows!

9. Her lack of dog dignity (dognity?) makes her a source of endless entertainment.  We can dress her up in stupid costumes and make her dance and she’s totally cool about it.  She does a mean rendition of Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies”.  One time we made her a unicorn for St. Patrick’s Day, but she didn’t like that so much and gave us really cute grumpy faces.

8. She’s way more fun than kettlebells.  Sometimes I use her for workouts.  Specifically I pretend she’s a sandbag and then do squats and stuff.

7. She is certifiably insane.  Yup, her first visit to the vet left us with prescriptions for both heartworm meds and anti-anxiety medication.  CRAZY!!! 

6. She is a diva.  She struts around in her pink rhinestone collar like she owns the place.  She’s in charge and she knows it.  Once she looks at us with her big brown eyes we are powerless to refuse her demands.  Luckily her demands are mostly about food and being let out to poop. 

5. She’s willing to take the hit for her friends.  About a year ago she got a little canine brother named Ben who likes to cause trouble.  One time he went outside and tracked mud ALL OVER the kitchen floor and then massacred a bunch of “Hillary Clinton for President” stickers left over from the 2008 Democratic Primaries. (My thought is Ben is either an Obama supporter or a Republican.  Maybe Nader?)  Even though the entire mess was 100% his fault, she just sat in the middle of the collage of his muddy paw prints and shredded elections paraphernalia looking guilty. 

4. She is a protector.  She will defend her home and family until her vocal chords have been completely obliterated by her incessant howling.  And burglars beware, those vocal chords have some crazy longevity.  It’s actually pretty annoying.  Nevertheless, she means well so we’ll put it on the plus side.

3. She is soooooooo cute!  She’s a beagle, it’s in her DNA.

2. She’s a fighter.  We got her from the humane society when she was about two, and it was pretty evident that her first two years were a little rough.  In the early days we didn’t think she’d make it.  Then there was a botched speying operation that left her minus one kidney.  But now she’s a happy little beagle spoiled rotten with all the love and affection and snaussages a doggy could ever dream of.

1. She gets me.  Me and her are like two peas in a pod.  Even though she can’t talk and she doesn’t understand what I’m saying it doesn’t matter because we have an unspeakable bond that needs no words.  Only love.  And luckily there’s a whole lot of that!

I love you HB you make my heart sparkle J