The world of science was rocked this week by the brilliant masterminds of Duke University`s Nathan Landy and David R. Smith. Thanks to these guys and their ability to manipulate light or microwaves or whatever, the world is one step closer to succumbing to the Republic of Dumbledore. That`s right, they just figured out what Hollywood mastered in 1933: Invisibility. So, now that man has successfully made a cylinder disappear, it`s only a matter of time before we`re all assaulting each other to get our hands on our own cheap personal invisibility smocks at the nearest Wal-Mart. Scientists, Fuck Yeah!
But with such close technological proximity to perfect invisibility, we can assume that the authorities are already trying to figure out how to destroy fun. Politicians are no doubt preemptively drafting legislation criminalizing invisibility cloaks due to the inevitable descent into anarchy that would result from mass invisibility. So before the man takes away our right to dream, it`s time to get real and discuss the funtastic adventures that are about to be made possible.
I decided to do a poll to see what everyone would do with this coveted superpower. After some consultation and preliminary data analysis, I have broken down the possibilities into four main categories: Mischief, prosperity, voyeurism, and indulgence.
1. Mischief: You could haunt people and make your nemeses totally batshit without all the inconvenience of being dead. Let`s face it, the only real problem with being a ghost is the bit about having to snuff it. Otherwise it`s awesome. Well, problem solved. So go forth and give some asshole a nice good mind fucking. It`ll be hilarious!
2. Prosperity: Co-ordinate and carry out unnecessarily elaborate bank heists. Then give all the money to charity. Then steal money from people you don`t like it and keep it. I spoke to an engineer who thought this was a terrible idea because the money wouldn`t be invisible and you`d probably end up getting caught and dying in a Bonnie & Clyde style bullet shower. But obviously you would hide the money under the invisibility cloak so that it would be invisible too. Duh! Scientists are just no good at problem solving. That`s why the world needs us Arts students. Anyway, he suggested sitting in on some Fortune 500 company`s finance meetings to get some hot insider trading info. My main concern with that idea is that it wouldn`t be as fun to do crazy invisible ninja moves as it would with the bank heist method. Nevertheless, money`s money and the modus operandi is completely up to you.
3. Voyeurism: Find out if that girl you`re smitten with has a shrine in your honour in her bedroom that she worships every night before pleasuring herself. Or, sneak into the homes of sexy celebrities and spy on them in the shower. If you`re into that kind of thing. Which I`m not, because I find spying on people really creepy and if you vote for this one I`m deleting you off facebook because you`re probably a creep. Not to mention the fact that I also don`t necessarily want to see the kinds of things that Zach Braff does when he thinks he`s alone, mainly because I`m worried that it could potentially ruin Zach Braff for me. I`m not prepared to sacrifice his perfection or tarnish the integrity of "Scrubs" in any way. So I`ll just stick to the ZB shrine. (Just kidding. As previously confessed my bedroom shrine is reserved for the United Nations Secretary Generals.)
4. Indulgence: Of course there`s the obvious hopping on planes to see the world, or sneaking into movie theatres so you can be the first to see "American Pie 87: My Great Great Grandchildren are Jerking off with Baked Goods and Woodwind Instruments... Again". But you could also take gluttony to a whole new level and make fat pants a thing of the past. When you`re bloated and disgusting you don`t have to worry about people judging you on your gross poutine stained elastic waist jogging pants. Go steal another wad of chocolate chip cookie dough and just give er! (Did that sound Canadian? That totally sounded Canadian!)
Moral of the story: Science is awesome, and why are we worrying about China when Hogwartz is the real threat to American hegemony? Seriously, I just discovered today that my city has its own Quidditch league, but no discernible public transit system. Is nobody else threatened by the fact that pretty soon all of our research money will be contributed to figuring out how to turn ourselves into cats? And quidditch?! Really?! Because a game that involves running around on a broom is obviously not lame at all. On the other hand, beats the hell out of hockey!
But with such close technological proximity to perfect invisibility, we can assume that the authorities are already trying to figure out how to destroy fun. Politicians are no doubt preemptively drafting legislation criminalizing invisibility cloaks due to the inevitable descent into anarchy that would result from mass invisibility. So before the man takes away our right to dream, it`s time to get real and discuss the funtastic adventures that are about to be made possible.
I decided to do a poll to see what everyone would do with this coveted superpower. After some consultation and preliminary data analysis, I have broken down the possibilities into four main categories: Mischief, prosperity, voyeurism, and indulgence.
1. Mischief: You could haunt people and make your nemeses totally batshit without all the inconvenience of being dead. Let`s face it, the only real problem with being a ghost is the bit about having to snuff it. Otherwise it`s awesome. Well, problem solved. So go forth and give some asshole a nice good mind fucking. It`ll be hilarious!
2. Prosperity: Co-ordinate and carry out unnecessarily elaborate bank heists. Then give all the money to charity. Then steal money from people you don`t like it and keep it. I spoke to an engineer who thought this was a terrible idea because the money wouldn`t be invisible and you`d probably end up getting caught and dying in a Bonnie & Clyde style bullet shower. But obviously you would hide the money under the invisibility cloak so that it would be invisible too. Duh! Scientists are just no good at problem solving. That`s why the world needs us Arts students. Anyway, he suggested sitting in on some Fortune 500 company`s finance meetings to get some hot insider trading info. My main concern with that idea is that it wouldn`t be as fun to do crazy invisible ninja moves as it would with the bank heist method. Nevertheless, money`s money and the modus operandi is completely up to you.
3. Voyeurism: Find out if that girl you`re smitten with has a shrine in your honour in her bedroom that she worships every night before pleasuring herself. Or, sneak into the homes of sexy celebrities and spy on them in the shower. If you`re into that kind of thing. Which I`m not, because I find spying on people really creepy and if you vote for this one I`m deleting you off facebook because you`re probably a creep. Not to mention the fact that I also don`t necessarily want to see the kinds of things that Zach Braff does when he thinks he`s alone, mainly because I`m worried that it could potentially ruin Zach Braff for me. I`m not prepared to sacrifice his perfection or tarnish the integrity of "Scrubs" in any way. So I`ll just stick to the ZB shrine. (Just kidding. As previously confessed my bedroom shrine is reserved for the United Nations Secretary Generals.)
4. Indulgence: Of course there`s the obvious hopping on planes to see the world, or sneaking into movie theatres so you can be the first to see "American Pie 87: My Great Great Grandchildren are Jerking off with Baked Goods and Woodwind Instruments... Again". But you could also take gluttony to a whole new level and make fat pants a thing of the past. When you`re bloated and disgusting you don`t have to worry about people judging you on your gross poutine stained elastic waist jogging pants. Go steal another wad of chocolate chip cookie dough and just give er! (Did that sound Canadian? That totally sounded Canadian!)
Moral of the story: Science is awesome, and why are we worrying about China when Hogwartz is the real threat to American hegemony? Seriously, I just discovered today that my city has its own Quidditch league, but no discernible public transit system. Is nobody else threatened by the fact that pretty soon all of our research money will be contributed to figuring out how to turn ourselves into cats? And quidditch?! Really?! Because a game that involves running around on a broom is obviously not lame at all. On the other hand, beats the hell out of hockey!
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| History of Invisibility: 1933- Score one for the arts kids! |
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