I am a connoisseur of crappy phones. I have had a magnificent series of six cell phones that are less useful than those Fisher Price phones from 1962 with blue wheels and a giant creepy happy face that says "age 3 and up" on the box. (Okay, I just checked and it`s actually age one and up, but who`s counting?) The point is, these phones are designed for people who have not yet developed to the stage of verbal communication, and they are still better than all of my crappy phones. This is probably because my strategy for purchasing a telephone goes as follows:
INT. TELECOMMUNICATIONS RETAIL OUTLET- DAY
Me: "Please point to your cheapest phone."
Sales representative points to piece of shit that obviously won`t work because it pre-dates the invention of fire.
Me: "I will take that one please!"
Sometimes I get jealous of people who have cool phones that do tricks like connect to the internet, or download apps, or send and receive text messages, or ring when somebody calls you... But I don`t need all those bells and whistles. In all honesty I`m just not a phone kind of girl. The only reason I even got one in the first place was so that employers could contact me. And now that I have a job it`s only real purpose is texting Kate every time I see a cute boy wearing a suit. (Although I can`t even do that anymore because my texting functions have inexplicably ceased :s) So in general I don`t really care that you left me a voicemail three days ago which I didn`t get because my phone is so crappy that it had no way of indicating to me that it happened. If it`s that important you should have just sent me a message on facebook.
One so-called "development" in telecommunications that makes me NOT regret my refusal to upgrade is Siri. Apple marketing cleverly conveyed this as a tool that enables you to find information more efficiently. However, as we have all now figured out, it is pretty much exclusively designed to say funny shit when you ask it about penises and not be helpful in any practical way. One of the many reasons Steve Jobs is considered a legend I suppose.
Perhaps my anti-Siri mentality stems from the fact that the first time I was introduced to her was when my friend asked a question about me and she responded with some kind of poop reference. Cass thought it was funny. I thought Siri was an asshole. So Cass made another attempt to ask Siri a question about me, and again Siri made another poop reference. I have hated Siri ever since.
Due to my undying contempt for Siri it has been impossible for me to remain objective in my opinions of her value to society. But I believe a recap of Kate`s discussion this afternoon with Siri will speak for itself.
Kate: Siri, where is the closest Tim Hortons?
Siri: I have located five airports nearby. Would you like to know where they are?
Kate: No, Siri. Where is the closest Tim Hortons?
Siri: There are two K-Marts, but neither is very close. Would you like to know where they are?
Kate: God damnit Siri you fucking suck you stupid piece of shit!!!!
Siri: Have I done something wrong?
Kate: Yes you stupid dumb bitch.
Siri: I`m sorry, I`m doing my best.
Kate: Oh, now I feel bad... Siri, where is the nearest Tim Hortons?...
Moral of the story: Even though my phone serves no practical function whatsoever, and in fact is so useless that it won`t even let me change the time settings for daylight savings, at least it doesn`t compare me to poop. And that`s good enough for me!
INT. TELECOMMUNICATIONS RETAIL OUTLET- DAY
Me: "Please point to your cheapest phone."
Sales representative points to piece of shit that obviously won`t work because it pre-dates the invention of fire.
Me: "I will take that one please!"
Sometimes I get jealous of people who have cool phones that do tricks like connect to the internet, or download apps, or send and receive text messages, or ring when somebody calls you... But I don`t need all those bells and whistles. In all honesty I`m just not a phone kind of girl. The only reason I even got one in the first place was so that employers could contact me. And now that I have a job it`s only real purpose is texting Kate every time I see a cute boy wearing a suit. (Although I can`t even do that anymore because my texting functions have inexplicably ceased :s) So in general I don`t really care that you left me a voicemail three days ago which I didn`t get because my phone is so crappy that it had no way of indicating to me that it happened. If it`s that important you should have just sent me a message on facebook.
One so-called "development" in telecommunications that makes me NOT regret my refusal to upgrade is Siri. Apple marketing cleverly conveyed this as a tool that enables you to find information more efficiently. However, as we have all now figured out, it is pretty much exclusively designed to say funny shit when you ask it about penises and not be helpful in any practical way. One of the many reasons Steve Jobs is considered a legend I suppose.
Perhaps my anti-Siri mentality stems from the fact that the first time I was introduced to her was when my friend asked a question about me and she responded with some kind of poop reference. Cass thought it was funny. I thought Siri was an asshole. So Cass made another attempt to ask Siri a question about me, and again Siri made another poop reference. I have hated Siri ever since.
Due to my undying contempt for Siri it has been impossible for me to remain objective in my opinions of her value to society. But I believe a recap of Kate`s discussion this afternoon with Siri will speak for itself.
Kate: Siri, where is the closest Tim Hortons?
Siri: I have located five airports nearby. Would you like to know where they are?
Kate: No, Siri. Where is the closest Tim Hortons?
Siri: There are two K-Marts, but neither is very close. Would you like to know where they are?
Kate: God damnit Siri you fucking suck you stupid piece of shit!!!!
Siri: Have I done something wrong?
Kate: Yes you stupid dumb bitch.
Siri: I`m sorry, I`m doing my best.
Kate: Oh, now I feel bad... Siri, where is the nearest Tim Hortons?...
Moral of the story: Even though my phone serves no practical function whatsoever, and in fact is so useless that it won`t even let me change the time settings for daylight savings, at least it doesn`t compare me to poop. And that`s good enough for me!
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| Better than my phone. |
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| My phone |
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| My phone trying to send a text message |
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| My phone when I tried to adjust for daylight savings time |
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